and every breath is like the one before...

Such events can make it all seem so catastrophic. I really do like that word, being that I have used it frequently in the past couple of weeks. After some recent emotional injuries, I'm confused as to how to get back to square one on life's proverbial gameboard. I've noticed that I've taken to the bottle a bit, as if it were a new best friend. Scary, when you think about it.

I simply have a hard time accepting reality. I live in my own little world, but it's okay. They know me there well enough. I'm not saying that I'm in denial with a lot of things; it just takes me a bit of time to move on and work on making me and me alone happy.

I have a hard time being alone, though. I have an even harder time feeling alone in a house full of people. Which is where I wander to blame myself with little, miniscule things, not arguing even if I had a clear defense, and crumpling up my face when I look away from everyone.

I am so damned irresponsible with my life, it's sickening. I get why I scare people away. I'm a danger zone. I don't go to school, I work bullshit jobs, my friends question me (not all, but some), and I hide things from my family when I hate doing that.

I'm sure you've noticed by now I'm on some kind of "me" complex, but it's therapeutical for me to write, so deal.

I've been reminiscing too much into the past, and it's scaring me, because although there's a lot of good I could be thinking back on, I've done nothing but thinking about the times that were good in the past but hurt me now. I don't get where I think that helps me when I'm trying to clear my head, but it's like an annoying friend that just won't get the hint.

I actually thought about a time when I actually went to my mother for help and she turned the television volume up and ignored my plea, when I told her I wanted to kill myself (no, this wasn't recent, don't worry). That hurts me still, to this day. I don't think of doing such a thing now, since I'm stronger than that, even if it doesn't seem that way now, but to think that my own mother ignored me when I wanted her the most... that kills me anyway. I don't even know what brought that on, but I guess a part of me wants to throw that in her face one day.

But again, I wouldn't bring myself to do that.

On the bright side, I have been trying my damndest keep in contact with friends not so close in location to me; it just sucks when everyone has such weird schedules, or the other person fails to reciprocate (that hurts, by the way.). Sure, I work two jobs and do the radio thing and take pictures and have friends here, but I at least find at least one fucking day a week to try and call or write and I don't get anything in return. What happened, there?
Disclaimer: That was only pertaining to very few, not to the entire gang. Those who are exempt to that mild lashing know who you are.

I have some great friends here that have been keeping me around :) I managed to have a very fun Labor Day with some pallies, along with one that I'm starting to know a bit more, since I've been seeing him around lately. They convinced me to drink whiskey with them on the front lawn. The set-up looked like one hell of a lemonade stand. We were just missing the sign that said so. Although, the bums that roam Eastern Avenue wouldn't have cash to spare for a shot of Canada House. We ended up recording our antics throughout the night, but our timing and supplies were rather off, since we started recording when we were sober (not really funny conversations there) and ran out of cassette recording time. Bummer. However, that won't be the last time.

I'm beginning to feel a bit better as I write this.
I just keep reciting, over and over in my head, that I need some drastic change. I need to either get a new job, a new hobby, go on a fucking date, start a band, go on a vacation... something! It needs to happen rather soon.

In a perfect world, I wouldn't have gotten myself into the shit debt that I had, would have a decent job while going to school for something pretty cool, have a best friend that doesn't act as though he resents me all the time, have some money in the bank, a solid relationship with my family, and perhaps a great relationship with a great guy. I'm scared this will never happen, even though I assure myself on an optimistic scale that it can; I'm just too stubborn and impatient, though. It's a shitty double-standard I have to hurdle over.

Sometimes, though, you just gotta ask for a hug.
That's all that it may take.